Aku betul² rasa macam mak yang gagal. And i've only been at it for 6 years and 8 months.. What's going to happen 10, 15, 20 years down the road, if I can't cope with just this?

And even more, with just two, I feel I can't give them enough. It's always either this or that. I mean, I have to go to work, if I want to give them good education.. allow them all the extras that they want. But if I choose that, I can't be there when they come home from school. I can't provide a good home cooked meals in between classes. I just can't win.

Why do I feel so helpless and frustrated? I'm sure my son feels frustrated too.. tapi we just can't seem to reach a middle ground where both of us will be happy.

I know he's a good boy.
He's a smart boy.
And I'm just a bad mom.
A failed mom.
Can we just go back to the time when he was three?
When expectations were not so high?

Let's just say, if today was a dish, it would have been burnt rice. It's soft a nice at the top, with slightly burnt taste, and then you get to the bottom you find the crust and it's bitter. That's how today went.

Yesterday was a sign leading to what today would hold. Early in the morning Mr Boss called me about a report and questioned whether I was doing my job or otherwise (maybe even though this time I did do my job, this is for all those times I didn't and got away.. so I just swallowed down the comment, hard without water to wash it down). Since yesterday I was already tied with other commitments, I decided to present myself to the party mentioned by my boss right after dusk, today.

Only to realize that my road tax had expired. I decided to drive the project car, but it's alarm wont stop and the keys were broken. (Boleh tak??!!) Thank goodness the driver wasn't going anywhere, and he drove me to KP. Alhamdullillah, when I arrived, the person I wanted to see was around. So, I got all the information needed.

I left quickly right after that since I was sooooo hungry, skipping breakfast this morning. Unfortunately, the warung I was looking for, couldn't be found. Padahal memang dekat je. We turned and rounded the area five times before I gave up and decided to fetch my road tax from my insurance agent.

Only to find out that they had forgotten to renew my road tax for me!!!! And they can't even remember if I had pay for the road tax or not. Man, I was so pissed off. Nasib baik the girl was sweet and calm. But still, I was pissed off. Dah la lapar. Now she said I had to do an extension of time on my insurance before I can renew my road tax. No way was I going to pay a single cent. I guess she knew I was at the very edge of biting her head off, she asked me to go back to work, promising to call tomorrow with a solution. But either way, I was still driving around town with an expired road tax. Aaaargghhh.

When I got to the office, the office was empty half an hour before lunch and an hour after! And I had work for them to complete. When I called my other two offices, both officers didn't answer their phones. Man, I was smoking!

To make things worse, there were these two agencies which were suppose to send me reports, but didn't. One of them, had the chick to send me some forwarded/junk mail. Eeee geramnya. I decided to sms his boss. If I called, I would have probably lost my senses and shouted indecencies.

I couldn't take it anymore and left the office an hour early. I sms my closest friend around and asked her to lepak with me that evening, especially when I hadn't eaten the whole day. And guess what, she had the same kind of day (with indescribably nonsense staffs) and agreed to meet me early.

We spilled our guts to each other and rasa lega. Phew. At the end of the day, I feel so tired and worn out, as if I had travelled the whole day. Emotional drain, is worse than physical.

encik suami is sick.
terlantar di hospital.
with no definitive of what's wrong with him.
the doctors are sure it's not too serious.
however, he is not getting better. nor worse. just the same.
plus, since the last 7 days, life is not as usual.
routines had been disrupted.
tonight i'll be sleeping at the hospital.
kiddies at my mommie's house. poor kids.
i didn't cook. hospital is taking care of E.S's meals.
Alhamdullillah for me, my mommie takes care of my meals.
Still i feel tired.
And sleepy.. sangat.

Two days ago, my brother requested I make tiramisu.

Actually, I have been eyeing the ladyfingers sold at Yummie B@ngi for sometime. So, when he asked, I might as well try. In truth, I always thought tiramisu are hard to make and I hardly ever eat tiramisu.. so I don't really know what a tiramisu is supposed to taste like.

So, the ladyfingers came with a tiramisu recipe. It seemed simple enough. But then I realized that this recipe is actually raw. I mean, the eggs aren't cooked. Therefore I g00gled for an alternative recipe that calls for cooked eggs. And I found several. But unfortunately, the one I chose, leaves me leftover egg whites. Which, I plan to try making some macarons later. But, back to the tiramisu.. this is what my sister had to say about it:

Boleh jual/order. Taste: perfect. Texture: can be perfected.

Kembang makcik semangkuk... heheh. But then, of course, if you know me, I could never ambik order. Sebab it stresses me out. So, in conclusion, tiramisu aren't that difficult. Trylah!

Sekian, till my macaron experiment plak.